roadblocks

i have hit several roadblocks.

1. my bike is broken. the back tire is flat and refuses to be filled up with air. after 45 minutes of 'animated' attempts to fix it, i gave up and went to bed. took it to the bike shop the next day, thinking it was an easy fix. guy there refused to touch the bike saying it had been in an accident (which is slightly more than true) and pointed out the parts where the aluminum was bent and unsafe to ride. so either buy new frame, new wheels, new fork or get a new bike.

this could be my break. but, we have roadblock number two.

2. so the plan was to do lejog in early september, but unforunately i am now jobless (yes, jf got fired. no, i don't regret it), which means i have no income, which means a) i can't really afford to buy a nice shiny bike right now and am not sure how much sense it makes to drop $$ on a temporary bottom-range one, and b) if i do find a permanent position, i highly doubt i'll be able to take time off after just commencing work. it's frustrating that this can't take priority.

3. the fundraising. as in, i'm not very good at it and it isn't really happening. i've fundraised before and it was a nightmare (i can hardly remember how i did it) and because i'm doing this on my own i just somehow can't bring myself to ask for money. it's so silly because it's not even for me but i get all stupidly blocked up. on the flip side, the indecision about the trip and the current inertia i've come too (this week has been rubbish with training) makes it difficult for me to convince someone else this is going to happen.

ugh. i'm beginning to second-guess myself, especially the decision to do this alone. i'm also finding that there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done - not with funding apps and exam prep and work and conference papers and personal research and this. the last thing i want to be doing is working yet it's first on my list of priorities. ugh.

i need a few days to sort things out. away. alone. (i'd normally cycle, but now i can't even do that.)

jf